TOXIC PARENTING PATTERNS YOU NEED TO STOP FOR YOUR KID'S SAKE

In raising my son, I know there have been moments I have said something or done something that my mom or dad used to do or say that I knew didn't sit right. I'd catch myself and quickly correct myself. I know a lot of parents out there do too.

So many of us grew up in families that meant well but didn't always get it right. Some things we learned as "normal" weren't actually healthy at all.

These toxic family patterns, things like giving the silent treatment or using food as a reward, can sneak into our own parenting without us even noticing. And if we're not careful, we might just pass them down to our kids too.

When I had my son, I had a list of things that I experienced during childhood that I knew I didn't want my son to experience, or I didn't want to force on my son, because I knew there were better ways. And breaking these cycles has proven to be something that's easier said than done, but it's not impossible, and I'm proud to say that I think I've done quite well.

Breaking these toxic parenting cycles isn't easy, but it's worth it. It's about giving your kids a better, more emotionally healthy environment than the one you might have grown up in. Yes, we probably all turned out okay, toxic or not, but we always want better for our kids, and we want to be a better version of ourselves as parents. And just because we went through it, and we turned out okay, doesn't mean it is okay. And times are different now, the environment that our kids are growing up now is drastically different from when we were growing up

Now let's look at what these toxic family patterns are and what we can do to break them.

What Are Toxic Parenting Patterns

Toxic parenting patterns are the habits that you pick up from how you were raised. You might not have even noticed them because they felt so normal. Though they're not always loud or obvious, sometimes, it's the quiet things that can hurt the most, and they can affect kids emotionally and mentally.

Most of the time, these patterns have been around for generations. They get passed down, not because anyone wants to hurt anyone, but because no one ever thought to question them.

But just because "that's how it's always been done" doesn't mean it's good for your kids or even for you.

10 Toxic Parenting Patterns You Need To Break

Spotting these toxic parenting patterns is the first step to breaking them. Here are 10 you should watch out for.

Avoiding Hard Conversations

Dodging a hard question from your kid might feel easier in the moment. It might be about anything, and in that moment, you might feel like they're too young to understand, hence why you might choose to brush things under the rug. And it can be a whole host of things that kids notice quietly and can be curious about, from a family fight, feelings, mistakes, even topics like sex or death.

But over time, it builds walls between you and your child because when they don't see adults willing to open up about certain things, they learn to bottle things up too. The thing is, you can always choose to answer their questions in a simple, age-appropriate way without dodging the question completely. When you have open conversations with your kids, no matter how hard the conversation is, it shows them it's okay to talk about the hard stuff. It also allows your kids to feel safe enough to share with you all the 'hard' things that they go through.

Bottling up feelings by default can be hard on kids and can lead to anxiety.

Using Food as a Reward or Punishment

You've probably said, "I'll take you for ice-cream if you're a good girl" or "No dinner if you don't behave" (sounds a bit mean...). You could be saying these or bribing your son with cookies to calm down. Whatever the reason, using food as a reward or punishment is a form of toxic parenting pattern that has been used throughout the ages.

But using food this way can mess with a child's relationship with eating. It turns food into a power play and can make kids think food is about control, and not health, and can lead to bad eating habits.

Instead of linking food to behavior, offer meals without pressure, regardless of how they've behaved. This helps your kids have a healthy relationship with food.

Setting Unrealistic Expectations

We all want the best for our kids, but pushing them to be the best at everything, school, sports, even chores, is a toxic parenting pattern. Pushing them too hard, or even expecting them to be little adults, can cause a lot of anxiety, burnout, or even the feeling of low self-worth. We all know that kid who cries over a B (we might have been one of them!), that's a lot of pressure on a child, especially when they tried their hardest!

Your kids will do so much better if you cheer for their hard work, and not just for wins. If they bomb a soccer game, say, "I saw you try your best." Let them explore what they love without the stress.

Encourage their progress, not perfection. Praise their efforts, not just outcomes. Always remember that your child's best might look different from someone else's, and that's completely okay!

Expecting Perfection

This one's similar, but might be worse. This toxic parenting pattern means, just that you expect perfection, and above that, you're always pointing out mistakes, like a bad grade or the inability to throw a ball, or even make a bed. I used to be like that with my son for the littlest of things, but I was quick to realize how it was making him feel. I felt awful!

It's easy to forget that they're little humans, only starting to learn how to do things. They need time to learn, and the learning process will come with many mistakes. These mistakes are valuable lessons that will allow them to get better and better at what they do.

Expecting perfection can paralyze and hurt your kid's confidence. They'll start to fear failure. It stops them from even trying or being honest about any struggles they may be having. So, instead, let them know that messing up is normal and is part of learning.

Letting them mess up without being called out for it helps break this pattern and helps build their courage to try new things.

Parentifying Your Child

Parentification is when kids take on grown-up responsibilities. It can be anything from caring for their younger siblings, being your emotional support without you realizing it, or worrying about family problems that they have no business worrying about.

On the outside, it can seem mature of them or helpful, but it's unfair to put that kind of pressure on your kids. In some ways, it steals a bit of their childhood from them. Allow your kids to be kids, even if they volunteer to watch after their younger siblings. They're a kid themselves.

Being the oldest of five siblings, I can't remember much about my childhood except for all the times (it probably took up a lot of my childhood) I had to look after my siblings, responsible for them in many ways. Yes, as parents, we sometimes need help, and it's absolutely okay to get our older kids to help out, but the role of the parent still lies with us. And always remember that our child is not our personal emotional dumping ground, and they are not responsible for how we feel.

Give them the space to grow up at their own pace.

Using the Silent Treatment

Do you stop talking to your kid when you're mad? Mainly a way to show disapproval and that you're mad without having to say much? Well, giving your kid the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, especially younger kids, is a form of punishment for them. It's confusing and it hurts them. Makes them feel ignored and unloved, and might even hurt their self-esteem.

If you're upset and need a moment to cool down, it's completely understandable and okay, even healthy. But you need to tell your child what's happening. "I'm feeling a bit upset or frustrated right now. I just need a few minutes, but I'm not mad at you, and I'll be back in just a little while." That explanation can mean the difference between fear and understanding.

It also teaches them how to handle anger without shutting people out. Breaking this pattern keeps your kids feeling safe.

Dismissing or Ignoring Their Feelings

At some point in raising our kids, we've all said "Stop crying", "You're too sensitive", "You're fine", or "There's nothing to be upset about". These things we say to our kids shut down their emotional expression. It tells them what they're feeling is not valid or their making things up.

By continuously dismissing their feelings, they start to believe their feelings don't matter or are not real, and they start hiding them.

What they do need is validation, even when you don't totally understand their reaction. Try saying, "I see this is really upsetting you", or "It's okay to feel sad. Let's talk about it."

Their feelings matter is what we want them to know. Acknowledging their feelings helps them build emotional intelligence and trust. It also helps them feel safe expressing their feelings.

Treating Money as a Taboo Topic

Did your family act like talking about money was rude? Some families do. Either it was fought about behind closed doors, or never mentioned at all. I can understand that if money is tight, we might not want to talk about it with our kids, because we never want to burden them with it.

But talking about things like saving, budgeting, and needs vs wants is also important. Even young kids can start learning these simple money concepts. Show them how you pay bills or save for a trip. It's easy for them to understand, and it'll prove to be a valuable skill to have as they grow older.

Money doesn't have to be scary, and being open about money helps kids feel confident and informed. It sets them up for a clearer understanding once they have to start managing money on their own.

Forcing Kids to Apologize

We've all been there, two kids fighting, and you step in with "Say sorry. Now!" But when we force an apology, they often come out hollow.

Sometimes, you're forcing them to say sorry when they themselves are mad or upset about it and have no clue why they are the ones that's supposed to be sorry. They'll say it so you'll stop yelling at them, but then they learn to say words without understanding what they mean.

What we really want is for them to learn empathy and take responsibility, and that takes time. So, instead of forcing it, try helping them understand what happened. When kids understand the why, their apologies come from the heart and not just to avoid punishment.

Ignoring Self-Care as a Parent

Parenting can wear you out. It's easy to skip meals and sleep, and whatever else. I used to go days without a break, and I'd snap at my son over nothing and it made me feel like crap!

Do something small for yourself. Take a nap, grab coffee, put your legs up for 10 minutes, and go for that walk. Your kids see you stressed and learn to ignore their own needs. Show your kids it's okay to rest.

We live in a world where people look at us differently and make us feel guilty if we're taking a break. They say, if you're not hustling, you're losing out. Well, to be quite frank, all that hustling is burning us out and hurting us.

It's okay to leave the laundry or the dishes in the sink or ignore work calls after six or during the weekends. It'll still be there waiting for you after your nap!

Life is stressful as it is, and you need time for yourself too. It'll make you a happier person and a better parent!

Breaking toxic parenting patterns can be hard, but it's worth it. These habits can hurt your kids' confidence. By spotting these toxic parenting patterns, you're helping your kids grow up feeling loved and secure. Pick one to start with. You don't have to get it right every time, but just keep trying. Your kids deserve a home free from generational toxic parenting patterns, and you can make that happen.

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