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Parenting is tough.
We all want to raise kind, confident, happy kids, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say things that may be more harsh than it seems. Maybe you've told your child, "You're too sensitive" or "Why do you have to make things so difficult." They seem harmless, right? But these are actually gaslighting phrases that make your child do a double take and question their own experiences and feelings; basically questioning what they know to be real.
We often hear the word 'gaslighting' and it's often associated with what only 'toxic' people would do, but the truth is, many parents use gaslighting phrases without even realizing it. We don't mean to hurt our kids, but when we dismiss their emotions or twist situations, it can affect their self-confidence.
I've been guilty of this too. I've caught myself saying this like, "You're fine, you're crying for nothing" when my son was upset, thinking I was helping him be strong. Instead, I was teaching him that his feelings were unwarranted and that he should just ignore them.
So what is gaslighting? And how can we recognize it in what we say? Here we'll go over 10 common gaslighting phrases parents say, plus what to say instead. Because the truth is, small changes in how we talk to our kids can lead to big differences in how they see themselves.
What is Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes another person doubt their own feeling, memories, or perceptions. Put simply, it's when someone convinces you that what you're experiencing isn't real. While it's discussed a lot in the context of adult relationships, it can unintentionally happen between parents and their children too.
The Effects of Gaslighting
When kids are on the receiving end of gaslighting, it can mess with their heads. They might start second-guessing themselves, feeling like how and what they feel aren't valid, or thinking they're always in the wrong. If the same things are constantly being fed to them, over time, it can slowly chip away at their self-esteem and make it hard for them to trust their own judgment.
10 Common Gaslighting Phrases Parents Use
In our efforts to raise healthy, confident kids, we sometimes say things that can send the wrong message without us even realizing it.
As parents, we're also human. We get frustrated, overwhelmed, and often, just tired. And in those moments of weakness, we might say things that unintentionally make our kids doubt themselves, in how they feel and how they perceive their experiences.
Gaslighting isn't always intentional, and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. But being aware of these gaslighting phrases can help us break the habit and encourage a better sense of self-confidence in our kids, whilst building a better bond with them.
"I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't done that."
This one slips out of our mouths so easily. Your child spills juice all over the couch, and before you know it, you're yelling. And then you go on to say, "If you had been more careful, I wouldn't have yelled at you!"
The problem? This makes it seem as if your child is responsible for your emotions. While of course, kids need to learn that their actions have consequences, they're not in charge of managing how we, parents react.
Instead, maybe we can try, "I got frustrated because of the mess, but I shouldn't have yelled. Let's clean this up together." After all, it's just juice...
"You don't really hate (insert anything..). You've always loved it!"
Yes, we've watched our kids grow, and yes, we know our kids pretty well; their likes and dislikes. But telling them we know them better than they know themselves can make them feel like their own thoughts and feelings don't matter.
Imagine your child coming home one day and announcing that they don't like soccer anymore, but you respond with, "You don't really hate soccer. You love it!" We do this a lot, with what they like (or don't like) to eat, drink, school subjects, activities, friends, or even teachers; it can be a long list.
You mean well, but this kind of response can make them second-guess their own emotions. If your child insists they don't like something or that they're feeling a certain way, trust them. Instead of dismissing them, try saying, "You used to enjoy soccer, tell me what changed." This starts a conversation that allows you to understand better the reasons behind the change. And instead of doubting themselves, it can help them build self-awareness.
"You're too sensitive." or "You're being too dramatic."
If your child is upset about something that seems too small to even give it any energy, it's easy to want i just brush it off. Especially if you have a million things on your plate. Hoping that if you say that, it'll stop your child from whatever they are feeling. But telling them they're "too sensitive" sends a message that what they are feeling is wrong.
Kids, like adults, feel things deeply; maybe even deeper since, unlike us, do not have the tools or experience to handle the big emotions they feel.
Instead of making them question their emotions, acknowledge them. Show some compassion and try, "I can see that this is really upsetting you. Do you want to talk about it?" This helps them feel safe enough to express themselves rather than being forced to shut down.
"I never said that. You're making that up!"
We've all had those moments where we genuinely don't remember saying something but denying it completely can make your child question their memory. If your child insists you said something, instead of straight up dismissing it, say, "I don't remember saying that, but tell me what you heard."
This shows that you're respectful to them and open to having a conversation about it, rather than making them doubt themselves.
"You're fine. There's nothing to cry about."
When kids cry over something that seems so insignificant, like dropping their ice cream, it's tempting to tell them, "You're fine." But to them, it's a big deal.
A better way to respond? Try, "I know you're sad right now and it's okay to cry. Let's figure out what we can do." This not only validates all that they are feeling, but it also helps them move forward.
"You'll thank me one day."
Ever caught yourself saying this after setting a rule your child is not the biggest fan of?
While you might mean well, this phrase can feel dismissive. It tells them their feelings don't matter right now because they'll "get it" later.
Instead, you can choose to acknowledge their frustration and say, "I know this feels unfair right now, but my job is to keep you safe and grow. Let's talk about why this rule is important."
"You don't know what you're talking about." or "You're too young to understand."
Of course, your kids don't have the life experience that you do, but telling them they don't understand something can make them feel unheard. They might not have all the facts, but they still have thoughts, feelings, and opinions that matter.
Instead, try listening to them to hear their perspective on things and explain it in a way they can understand. You can say, "This is a big topic, but let me explain it in a way that makes sense."
Personally, I love listening to my son's perspective on things, especially when he was younger. I find them really interesting and I've learned a lot about what and how he thinks about things. Even as a young adult, his perspective on things, though sometimes it differs from mine, opens my mind to different ideas and schools of thought.
"I guess I'm just a really bad parent, huh?"
Imagine your child is frustrated because you said no to something, maybe they wanted extra screen time, a later bedtime, or a treat before dinner. They say things like, "That's not fair!" or "You never let me do anything!"
In response, you sigh and say, "I guess I'm just a really bad parent, huh?"
At that moment, the exchange becomes about your feelings rather than theirs. Instead of feeling heard for their frustrations, your child may feel guilty for saying what they said. It makes them feel guilty for expressing themselves. If your child is upset and you say this, they might completely stop sharing their feelings to avoid making you feel bad.
A better response would be, "I get that you're upset. Let's talk about why this feels unfair to you." This keeps the focus on their emotions rather than turning it into a guilt trip.
"This is why no one wants to play with you."
This one stings.
Your child might be struggling to make friends and their overall social skills. But saying this only makes them feel more isolated. Instead of trying to help them, you're telling them that they are the problem.
Imagine your child is playing with their siblings or friends and things don't go well. Maybe they grab a toy without asking, don't want to share, or get frustrated and say something that's unkind. The other kids get upset and refuse to play with them. Your child runs to you, frustrated and near tears, wanting to complain or seek some comfort. Instead, you blurt out, "Well, this is why no one wants to play with you." Ouch.
Instead of feeling supported, your child now feels rejected not only by their friends or siblings but by you too.
A better way to approach this is to say, "I noticed you're having some trouble with your friends. Tell me what happened, and we can figure out what to do next time." This helps them reflect on what the situation was like, what they did, and what their friends did, while also teaching them how to handle social situations in a better and healthier way.
"You always make things difficult!"
When you're rushing out the door for school, and your child refuses to wear their shoes, wants to change their outfit for the third time, or insists on bringing a toy that's nowhere to be found. You're already late, and in frustration, you snap, "You always make things difficult!"
In that moment, your child doesn't hear, 'This situation is difficult", they hear "You are difficult". So instead of wanting to ask of them, they might shut down, get upset, and feel like they can never do things right.
But hearing this constantly can make your child believe they are difficult, not that the situation is. This can affect their self-esteem and make them feel like a burden.
A better way to handle the moment is to take a deep breath and say, " I see you're having a hard time. How can I help?" or "I know this is frustrating. Let's figure this out together."
This puts the focus on solving the problem instead of putting blame.
Parenting is, having some days when we're patient and wise, and other days, when we're running on caffeine and pure willpower, trying to keep everyone alive. And sometimes, without even realizing it, we say things that might not land the way we intend to.
Gaslighting phrases don't always come from a place of malice. Most of us grew up hearing these same things ourselves, and they've just slipped into our own parenting without a second thought. But words have power, and when we know better, we do better.
At the end of the day, we all want to raise kids who feel heard, respected, and loved, even when they're testing every last ounce of our patience. So next time you feel one of these phrases creeping up, try something different.
If I'm being honest, our kids will probably remind us of all our parenting mistakes when they're older anyway, so might as well give them some good ones!
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